Wednesday, July 5th, 2017

Had a very disappointing 4th of July. Even though I still don't know the full applications of what had happen. It was disappointing because I wasn't enjoying myself - but sometimes social situations, even if they are not enjoyable could lead to something more interesting in the future. There was this girl at the party I went to who I really wanted to talk to and maybe take a picture of, but whenever I've seen her, she was always not near me and going somewhere. She reminded me of the kind of girls I used to see around ten years ago so it was more of a nostalgic attraction then actual attraction. But then hours later, when it was already very dark outside, and when I was already very bored and ready to leave, I saw her - and she stood pretty close to me. So I went and talked to her for a bit. After some exchanged messages earlier today, she said she would come to this house in Malibu where my art is being photographed on Friday. It would give me the opportunity to take her pictures, since it was too dark by the time I talked to her last night. Well, there's nothing special about this story yet, but the point is that sometimes I beat myself too hard if I'm not having a great time when I'm supposed to be having a great time. But instead I should focus on where I am - not where I could be, and see what opportunities are there for me. Sometimes when I'm not having fun, it's because no one seems interesting enough. But what I really should think is that everyone is interesting and I just need to figure out why they are interesting. That will give me something to do and make any situation much more enjoyable. Of course, I also need to be interesting and that is a lot of work. I think this is the most difficult part about being an artist - is that people expect you to be interesting all the time. Most of the time I don't really have anything to say. Most of the time my mind is blank. Some people are naturally interesting and always have something to say - they usually have other problems, but even their problems seem interesting, because they are interesting. I, on the other hand, have to work very hard on this. I always think about how I can be more interesting, but thinking about things too much usually just blocks my ability to contribute anything interesting. What I do, and what I think other people do, is developing patterns of responses, engagements, certain words or movements that cascade into whole new ideas by the time I'm done talking. It's just like shifting gears, you start with what you're most familiar with and helps to sustain new more fascinating expansions. So even if I feel like I'm repeating myself and not being very regional at first, I tell myself that this is fine because it will lead up to something a bit more exciting. Not everyone I see I want to take pictures of, but since it's a safe and familiar engagement on my part, I will sometimes ask people who I don't want to take their picture, if could take their picture. Then once I've taken their picture, it has given me enough time to think about what I could say or do that could be more interesting than just taking their picture. Usually people open up quite considerably once they see the picture I took because they don't expect the results I get on my cell phone. Since everyone has an iPhone, their eyes are so used to it, so when they see something else, better, they become flabbergasted. So at this point their guard is down and the engagement doesn't feel awkward anymore.